Would you really stay home alone with this?

Today I’m going to talk about the toys from a movie that I would say rates somewhere in the basement of all of the films I have ever seen. I can honestly say I was never a fan and didn’t see anything fun or entertaining about it at all, and for me that is really saying something. I am, on almost any scale, pretty easy going when it comes to being entertained by a movie. Drama, action, romance, comedy, animation, etc. I always seem to find something to like. The movie up for discussion today isn’t one of those. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate it, but I saw it once and went… no more for me thanks. Clearly I am in the minority as the movie did gangbusters when it came out in 1990 and went on to gross an unbelievable $538 million worldwide for a movie that cost just $15 million to make… holy printing money Batman!

The movie I am talking about is none other than Home Alone, yes the flick that introduced the world to uber brat Macaulay Culkin and then made it seem kind of OK to be a dingbat parent who leaves their kid at home unattended while they go away. G-R-E-A-T!

So if I don’t dig the movie why am I discussing it then? There are a couple of reasons and I will start here, basically I didn’t like the movie but delighted in how totally lame the toys were. On my patented cheese-o-meter they are almost off the scale and for me that is reason enough to talk about them here.

First up I will show you the Screaming Kevin action figure.

Made by T-HQ which predictably stands for toy headquarters, this figure is on the largish side and stands about 7.5″ tall. I think the manufacturer erred on the cheapo side of things and made it so the figure had the bare minimum of articulation with just five points (neck, shoulders, hips) this then allowed them to include a button on his back that when pushed gave out little Kevin’s memorable scream. How long did it take for that to get annoying?

The only other toy that was released from this movie (I’m not including games when I say that) is the companion piece to the figure above.

Also by T-HQ we have the Talking Kevin doll. He is much larger at 17″ tall and is made from a plush body with a soft vinyl head. Doesn’t he look just so angelic?

On the back of the toy is a pull string mechanism that when pulled he repeats back a famous line from the movie. As with most toys of this nature it is almost impossible to get one of these that does not have a distorted screachy voice. This one is no exception. So it went from annoying to down right obnoxious, yay!

Why did I buy these again?

Other than the reason I mentioned before, the primary factor was that I was buying a big batch of stuff from a dealer I do a lot of business with and she just charged me $10 for the pair. You can see why right? Terrible?… check. Total bargain?… check. Fine I bought them so sue me.

Now there is another, darker reason why I bought them. Any guesses? Didn’t think so. Simple fact is that these both are strong candidates for my second R&R award. Remember the first one where I made the stunning revelation about Twiki from Buck Rogers? Click here for a reminder. R&R if you don’t remember stands for racy and risque and is given to toys that don’t pass what I call the middle-school-boy test. You be the judge.

Let’s go back to the first toy I showed you, the Screaming Kevin figure. A quick look over shows that he is a regular little boy with his mouth open making his trademark scream. OK… so….?

Well look closer. Why, if he is trying to copy Kevin in the movie, does he not have his hands up on is face? You can see it right on the box. Nope, this toy can’t do that as his arms only rotate in full circles around his shoulders. As a result he just looks a little demented with his mouth hanging wide open. Here is another interpretation. Check this out.

Yes, we all know what this is so I won’t go into detail, but look at the similarities. The mouth is almost the same of course, but it doesn’t end there. Look at his heavily mascared eyelashes, painted on eyebrows, gleaming eyes with blue highlights (though her blue is in the eye shadow but still)… and the final nail in the coffin… the nose, particularly in the area of the nostrils, is identical. No wonder the poor kid was always screaming.

The toy designer’s idea of a practical joke? I have no idea, but come on! Unfortunately it does not end there though.

Let’s switch to the Talking Kevin figure, nothing wrong there right? WRONG again! All you have to do is take a look at the back of the box.

Here we see poor little Kevin with the pull string issuing forth from his crotch area with a big label saying, “try me”. I mean really folks. Remember the name of my test here, a 12 year old boy would have pointed that out in about one second.

The poor placement of this pull string is only made worse when you hear what Kevin then says:

“Are you gonna give up or ya thirsty for more?”

“OK come get me!”

“I made my family disappear.”

“Aaaaarrrggghhhh!”

So in summary we have: thirsty for something, come and get me, my family aren’t here we’re alone then screaming. What a horrendous thought.

Listen for yourself, all the while study the way the mechanism is operated. No wonder they had him make that face for the photograph.

I am not trying to peddle inuendo here but seriously, how poorly conceived were these toys? I think if it were just one of the pair then perhaps we could chalk this up to an over active imagination on my part, but given it is both then that just defies the odds. Comment below and let me know if you agree.

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